Karen Chesnutt, Ph.D

Tag: Behavior

Why Do They Do That? Consistent Reinforcement

March 13, 2017 /

One of the best explanations for children’s behavioral issues is the concept of reinforcement. All of us have heard about the effects of positive reinforcement or “reward.” We have heard that one of the ways to get children to obey is to give them an immediate reward for specific behaviors. In the opposite way, people think that the way to change or eliminate a behavior is to give a negative reinforcement or a punishment.

The one thing that parents don’t often consider is something we call the “candy aisle phenomenon.”  For psychologists, this is the type of reinforcement that is most important. Here is how it works. A child is in the candy aisle and asks his/her mother for a piece of candy. Mom says, “no.”  In fact, Mom says “no” on every one of the next 5 times that her child asks. So far, so good. Unfortunately, the next time the child asks, the mother gives in. The child has learned to keep up with the questioning for a longer time. This is what we call “intermittent reinforcement.” The behavior in question is reinforced or rewarded sometimes, but sometimes it is not. What happens is that you child has learned to keep trying! After this type of reinforcement, the behavior is very difficult to change. In fact, it is the type of response that is the strongest in prolonging the behavior.

Many parents tell me that they don’t use this type of reinforcement, that it is not a problem for them. What I think happens is that parents don’t notice how frequently they engage in this type of reinforcement. In public, it is often easier to give in rather than have your child melt down, right in the middle of the candy aisle. And, as you have noticed, children do have the capacity to wear you down, even with the best of intentions!

What should a parent do?  First, be careful when you tell a child “no.” You must be really willing to enforce it. If you are not sure, then don’t give a response. This is true of situations that involve both major and minor issues. It is true of items in the candy aisle, of promises to go somewhere (“No, I will not take you to Target”), or of possibilities of major purchases. “No” needs to mean “No.”

So, what if you have told your child “No” but then find out the situation has changed. Can you change your mind?  Of course. But, (and this is an important “but,”) you change your mind because YOU choose to, not because he/she has relentlessly campaigned for it. This may sound like a minor distinction, but it really isn’t. It is quite important. It avoids the intermittent reinforcement (of his/her nagging behavior) and that is key!

Why Do they Do That? It’s Developmentally Appropriate

March 6, 2017 /

Often, parents ask me why children engage in certain behaviors.  We have looked at a variety of reasons—because the behavior achieves the intended purpose, because it meets some sensory needs or because it is because it is part of a cycle of behavior that is characteristic of children with Down’s Syndrome.  Are there other reasons?  Yes there are.

One reason that hasn’t been discussed is that the behavior is developmentally appropriate.  If you have ever wondered why your preschooler insists on throwing everything off his/her high chair tray, you will understand the developmental explanation.  Children at his/her age are just learning about object permanency, and he/she is experimenting.  Does a toy that is tossed off the tray continue to exist? When they see it on the floor, it is proof that it continues to exist, It takes a number of repetitions before a toddler can have the principle firmly established.  Unfortunately, the repetitions are usually very unpleasant for adults who are involved!

Similarly, there are many actions that are developmentally appropriate. “No!” from a two-year-old is hardly surprising.  Eye-rolling from a teenager is also developmentally appropriate.  I find that many four year old boys seem to develop a pattern of challenging authority, somewhat like we see in preadolescent males. This is not really “bad” behavior, but is a pattern that does present some challenges to caregivers. These elements of growth are developmental, but can also be difficult.

Children with special needs often show a similar pattern of developmentally appropriate behaviors even though their cognitive profile may not be the same. Some parents are surprised to have their impaired teenagers begin to show typical “push back” behaviors that are characteristic of non-handicapped teens. Disabled two year olds will also develop the “no” stage in spite of their handicapping conditions. Young adults with disabilities do develop a desire to have relationships with the opposite sex and often want to leave home to establish their own independent lives. Sometimes these behaviors are not understood and parents are often unprepared to deal with these “normal” types of behavior.  Interestingly, the types of parental response to these behaviors is usually the same—good limits, appropriate amounts of freedom and lots of teaching of appropriate behavior.

Why Do They Do That? Because They Have Sensory Needs!

February 16, 2017 /

#2. Children do what they do because they have sensory needs!

Often, children will engage in behaviors because they have some kind of sensory need. Children with a Sensory Processing Disorder often will engage in behaviors that will not necessarily seem sensible or reasonable to you, but these behaviors do meet a sensory need.

Here’s how I think about it.  Have you ever had one of those days when you were craving chocolate?  You might try eating chips or cheesecake, but truthfully, none of it works.  What you really need is chocolate.  Children’s sensory needs work in a similar way. They crave certain kinds of input. Some have a high need for strong sensory inputs. These are children who seem to engage in “rough” play, who jump down stairs or run into walls. The one thing that these types of children can’t tolerate is very mild stimuli (like tags or seams on their socks.) The rough play behaviors serve to give them the sensory input they need. Many parents will describe this type of behavior as “hyperactive”. It really isn’t related to ADD or hyperactivity. Actually, it is sensory seeking. They need the sensory input. If you try to punish or discipline this activity, it won’t work. It is not “bad” behavior.

So, how can you treat this type of behavior?  The specialists are Occupational Therapists, who can both diagnose and treat this type of behavior. In general, what we try to do is to give them the input they need.  Basically, we give them “chocolate.” This meets their sensory need and prevents some of the behaviors that are problematic. If you are in a public place, you don’t want your child running around, seeking sensory input (while you are both embarrassed and frustrated!). Instead, you would want to give him/her the input they need before going out.

There are a number of different types of Sensory Processing Disorder.  I cannot diagnose those, but I do like to help parents understand some of the general principles that may be involved in treatment. One of the main reasons I like to do this is so that sensory issues do not become labeled as behavior problems.

Here is a brief list of some types of behavior that may be related to sensory issues:

  • Dislike of specific textures, including in certain foods
  • Tantrums when their hair is being washed or brushed
  • Can’t tolerate shoes or socks; sometimes they have sensitivity to seams on socks
  • Pain response to loud, unexpected sounds (vacuum cleaners, motorcycles, etc)
  • Everything in the mouth—need for oral stimulation
  • Shutting down in the presence of large amounts of visual information

There is a more extensive list, but these should give you an idea of whether you may want to seek out an assessment for a sensory processing disorder.

Why Do They Do That? Because It Works!

February 9, 2017 /

Very often, parents ask me why their children engage in specific behaviors.  Many times, these are children with special needs, but many of these suggestions apply to all children.  I have a list of seven things that can explain why children do what they do.  Here’s the beginning of my list.

#1.  Children do what they do because IT WORKS!

They get what they want, they get attention, they get control of the whole household.  It works.  Let’s look first at the attention part, because I think parents generally don’t think about the power of their attention.  Here are some general principles.

  • Good attention (praise) and bad attention (yelling, punishing) serve the same function. You see them differently, but your child does not.  In fact, negative attention is often much stronger than positive attention.  Think about it.  When you praise your child, you may focus about 10 percent of your attention on him/her.  When you are angry, it is like a laser, with 150% of your attention directed to your child.  As a result, negative attention may be more reinforcing than positive attention.
  • In addition, when you are focused on one child, no one else is getting attention. Other members of the family are not getting their needs met.

In addition, you will need to consider the essential question—“Who is in control?” If one child is able to act in such a way that he/she is in control of the family, then the behavior has “worked”. It accomplished the goal of controlling everything.

The final reason that the behavior “worked”, is that the child got what he/she wanted. If it was a tantrum about a toy, a TV show or her/his own way, then if the end result was getting what was wanted, the behavior worked.

For Parents

  • Make sure that you are not inadvertently reinforcing behavior by your attention (negative or positive)
  • Make sure that behaviors only “work” if they are ones that are acceptable to you.
  • This is another reminder that parents need to be in control of the household, not children!!

If you decide to placate your children just to keep peace, you will NEVER have peace!  It will never be enough. It is much more important to have parents in charge, even though children may complain, tantrum or act out!  In the long run, parents who are authoritative (not authoritarian) will have the best success with their children.

Does Your ADD/ADHD Child Make the Same Mistake Repeatedly?

December 15, 2016 /

Parents of ADD/ADHD children tell me that one of their greatest frustrations is that their child repeatedly makes the same mistakes. Over and over. It almost seems like having poor outcomes has no effect on what a child does. Parents often impose negative consequences to try to change their child’s behavior, to no avail. Nothing seems to work.

Let’s think about the whole process. Imagine that you want your child to complete a two step process–hang up his coat and put away his backpack when he gets home.  Every day, the coat is on the floor and the backpack is not where it belongs. You have sent him back to correct it, interrupted him while he was engaged in a TV program, and lectured him endlessly about this behavior. It doesn’t change.

You expected that, after a consequence, your son would think , “I should have just hung it up when I came in,” and  “Tomorrow, I will do this when I get home.” The problem is that children with ADD/ADHD cannot think backwards in time (“I should have done it when I came in”) and cannot think forwards in time (“Tomorrow I will hang it up when I get home”). That’s the reason that consequences don’t change their behavior. It is not that your son/daughter wants to be disobedient. You are asking them to use a way of thinking that they cannot do.

Should parents just give up?  Absolutely not! You can get your son or daughter to learn these behavior routines. You just have to teach it in “real time.”  Here’s how to do it. Start outside the door and have your son/daughter practice hanging up coat and putting away the backpack.  This cannot be done verbally; your child actually has to perform the behaviors. The only consequence is that if s/he forgets to complete the two tasks, then you schedule more practice. This system can be used any time you want your child to complete several tasks in a row.  For example, it can be used to help with morning routines, packing backpacks, or getting ready in a classroom.

This process takes some time for parents. But, if you think about how much time and irritation you have put into such simple tasks, this actually might save you time! And, it helps you maintain a more positive relationship with your child. One other thing that happens for ADD/ADHD children is that once they have learned a sequence of behaviors, they tend to remember it. You won’t have to teach it again.

The important things to remember:

  • Children with ADD/ADHD cannot correct their behavior by thinking about what they should have done, or by thinking about what they will do.
  • The way to handle this is to teach the behaviors you want—not by talking about them but by having his/her body actually do it. Repeat it until they consistently get it right.
  • The only consequence is practicing the behaviors again.

What You Need to Know About Pink Horses!

December 13, 2016 /

There is an example that I use fairly often in my practice and that is to tell people not to think about pink horses. What they quickly realize is that they are actually thinking about pink horses! So what is the significance of this example?

It is an important concept in working with behaviors. Very often, I hear parents tell their children, “Don’t do that!”  But telling them what NOT to do is self-defeating and counterproductive.  Just like telling you not to think about a pink horse has put that idea into your mind, telling your child to not jump on the couch may have just reinforced that behavior.

Another example of this is when we decide to embark on plan to change our behaviors. We may start dieting with the belief that we will give up all desserts. Just in thinking about giving these up, we may actually think about it more. How many times have we decided not to do something and then immediately gone out and engaged in that behavior. In part, it’s the pink horse problem.

So, what should we do?

Instead of focusing our thoughts on what NOT to do, we should focus on what to do. You will notice this in many good preschools, for example, where the teacher says, “I like how your feet are on the floor,” rather than telling them to stop squirming. In a similar way, instead of trying to give up desserts, start by deciding to eat more vegetables, for example. Thinking about what not to do is self-defeating. Thinking about what TO DO is empowering.

Are there other ways to use this principle?

Yes, this principle can be used in a variety of ways and situations. People have started using affirmations to help guide their behavior. Since these are usually positive statements (“I will notice people’s kindness to me today”), they really serve to impact our thought patterns. In a similar way, I like to use “rules” to help children learn behaviors. For example, I give children the rule that they need to greet other children when they see them at school; this is particularly needed if the child is having problems with social interactions.

In adults and sometimes in children, we see pronounced amounts of negative self-talk.  For example, “no-one likes me,” or “I’m not good at anything.” One of the approaches to address this type of self-criticism is to start with something positive to substitute.   Sometimes, we can do this ourselves and sometimes we can coach our children to make these thought changes.

Remember, think positive thoughts for behavior change.  (Notice, I did not say, “No pink horses!”)

Downspouts

October 20, 2016 / / 0 Comments

Did you ever think that there was a connection between your behavior and downspouts? Those two seem like they are totally unrelated!  Downspouts take water from your gutters and direct it away from the building. The result is that there is a trench in the ground that gets deeper each time it rains. The water, then, is more likely to go down that trench.

Our behavior is the same. We develop patterns of thoughts that immediately go down the usual trenches. These might be thinking about all the mistakes we have made, or on grudges we are carrying. It also might be about changing our diet and quickly going back to junk food.  In each case, we seem to revert back to the same trenches.

Change is difficult! In order to successfully change, we have to develop a new trench.  We do that just like downspouts—keep using the new one, making it deeper each time.  One time will not be enough.

You’ve heard that it takes three months to develop a new habit. This is why. It takes time and practice to develop new patterns. You also know that at the start, it is hard to stay with a new behavior or way of thinking. Of course it is. The thoughts want to go back to the old, deeper trench. Your job is to not get discouraged, but to keep sending them back to the new one, making it deeper and deeper. Then, this will become the “new normal” for you.

People sometimes let one instance of reverting back trip them up. They think their new diet was ruined by one hot-fudge sundae. No one gains back 20 pounds from one sundae! The problem is that they do not go back and continue working on the new trench.

If you have a behavior or thought pattern you want to change, start working on a new trench. Start with just one, because it is a difficult task. And keep practicing your new patterns. Soon, they will become your regular patterns!

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